My child is upset about what happened at coparents home, should I say anything?

Coparents are often in a dilemma about what to do if their child returns from their coparents home upset. Some rush in, all guns blazing without getting all the facts causing a lot of conflict which makes it difficult to work together to seek a resolution. Other coparents wonder whether they should say anything at all knowing it could rock the boat impacting their coparenting relationship, so opt to document the incident to see if a pattern emerges. Then there are others who reach out to a lawyer to raise their concerns, gain advice and send letters to the coparent to cease the undesirable behaviour.

So, what should you do?

Firstly, don’t react if your child is upset about what went on at the other house until you do some calm enquiry about what happened. Sit down with your child, give them a hug and ask if they would like to talk about it. Your child will respond to your reaction, so if you get angry about what has happened, they may feel upset that they will in turn get into trouble from the other parent. Your child will perceive they have started an argument between their parents and will feel guilty or be unwilling to tell you future incidents in fear of reprisals. Calmly ask your child what happened, exploring the details in sequence, asking how it made them feel, enquiring what did the other parent do or say. You will get far more information on what happened if you are calm, and the child feels it is a safe space where there will be no judgement.

Secondly, assess whether what happened warrants any action to be taken by you. If the incident has a safety issue, then definitely needs to be addressed as your child raised the issue with you as they need you to protect them. This could be that the other parent was doing something illegal, like speeding, drink driving, not ensuring kids are restrained in the car, or the child was left alone without supervision. If the incident was that your coparent said something nasty about you that upset your child, it is far better to stay calm and deflect the insult by saying “that isn’t a nice thing for them to say, is it?” then change the subject. Let your child’s belief system of people shouldn’t be mean enable them to conclude that your values of being kind doesn’t resort in you retaliating with an insult back about the other parent, as that would make you both look mean. If the incident was about the other parent not letting them do something that they are allowed to do at your house, then they need to understand that the rules at each house may be different if both parents haven’t agreed on any set rules on important things to provide consistency across the two homes.

Thirdly, decide if there will be any action and what it will be. If you decide there will be no action, then at least document the date, time, incident detail and the impact on your child in case you need the information in the future. If you decide there will be an action directly with the coparent, then ensure it is not done in front of the child as they may feel they have caused the conflict between the parents.  If you feel there should be involvement from authorities such as child welfare or police, it may still be a good idea to have a discussion with the coparent first so that you have their input on what happened. Think about if an incident happened whilst you had the child who in turn told your coparent they were upset with what happened, you may like to have the opportunity to discuss it and rectify behaviours before authorities were engaged. If it is a serious safety issue, then engaging authorities to investigate would be the best approach. If you decide that you are going to engage a lawyer to get involved to provide advice on the issue and possibly issue a letter to the coparent to outline the impact of their misdemeanour and possible consequence, then this could become acrimonious impacting the long-term coparenting relationship. So, it is important to ensure to weigh up the issue vs the consequence to ensure balanced. Meaning if it is not a serious issue then attempting to resolve together may be a better outcome to being able to resolve disputes without intervention from a third party. Coparents often engage a parenting coordinator, mediator or coparenting conflict coach to help them resolve issues.

Author – Cheryl Duffy, Divorce & Conflict Coach, Family Dispute Resolution Practitioner, NMAS mediator and Parenting Coordinator.

www.thedivorcecentre.com.au