Why won’t my ex change back to her maiden name?
- Cheryl Duffy
- Jun 20
- 3 min read
Updated: Jul 6
Separation and divorce can be a time when you feel you no longer want any connection to your ex-wife whatsoever. You are done with this union and may want to just walk away and disconnect completely. You may want to go back to single life expecting your ex-wife to do the same.
So why won’t she relinquish “your” surname and go back to her maiden name?
You may be feeling that she doesn’t have a right to use your name anymore now you are no longer married.
Well, she does!
You cannot be forced to change your name through marriage or divorce; it is the individual person’s decision. Some women keep their maiden name even if they get married or retain their married name post separation and divorce for professional purposes but use their maiden name for personal purposes.
If you are the ex-wife who changed your name due to marriage and registered your name change with the births, deaths and marriages (BDM) government department, then you will need to request a change back to your maiden name with (BDM). To change your name back to your maiden name you would need to provide evidence of original or certified copies of your marriage, divorce, and birth certificates. (BDM) do not hold divorce certificates so you will need to apply to the Home | Federal Circuit and Family Court of Australia to obtain one.
If you didn’t change your name with (BDM) then you don’t need to request a name change with them as you can just go back to using your maiden name. You would just need to show the companies where your name is listed or registered with your married name your divorce certificate and birth certificate to change where your married name is listed as your client account name. You may want to change your name with telecommunications company, utilities, rental lease etc Government departments will also accept your marriage, birth and divorce certificate to change your driver’s license, passport, etc.
So why wouldn’t your ex want to change back to her maiden name?
Your ex may have many reasons to retain her married name, such as;
Keep the same surname as the children to retain that sense of family. When they go on holiday they are “The Smith Family” rather than the mother being “Ms Jones” and two “Smith” children for instance
Built a career over the years with her married name whereby her qualifications and work experience were acquired with her married name.
The length of years with her married surname may be longer than the time she had with her maiden name, so her own identity is as your surname.
The time and cost it would consume in changing identity documents i.e. drivers licence, passport, Medicare card, private health insurance, mortgage, car/boat/motorbike registrations, car/home insurances, current rental lease, utilities electricity/gas/water, mobile phone, internet, banks, electoral commission, super, clubs (gym, RSL etc).
If they do decide to change their name back to their maiden name, the first documents to change are photo identity ones to enable all other documents and registers to be easily updated. Drivers license, identity card and passport which all have photo id will be required to be updated to enable change to maiden name as proof for changes on all other documents, accounts or memberships.
It is important to notify your employer and current studies with universities/college to ensure payslips are paid to updated bank accounts or qualifications achieved references correct name.
Some ex-wives only change their surname from their married name when they decide to re-marry or when their children become adults and may take on new surnames themselves through marriage.
Your ex-wife is still the mother of your children and will always be in your life whilst you have children.
Accept that they may not change back to their maiden name and will continue using your surname which became their family name for many years. This is their identity, and you are still a family even though no longer spouses!
Author – Cheryl Duffy, Divorce Coach, Family Dispute Resolution Practitioner, NMAS Mediator, Divorce Conflict Coach and Parenting Coordinator
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