What comes first Domestic Violence or Parental Alienation?

So, like the chicken or the egg, determine which came first!

Domestic violence creates the requirement to keep you and the children safe from harm but withholding children from seeing a loving parent where domestic violence hasn’t been a historical pattern of behaviour, may become a self-fulfilling prophecy which can lead to domestic violence behaviours of emotional outbursts, verbal frustrations, harassment and stalking. 

You may be withholding your children from your ex-partner due to historical domestic violence throughout the relationship where you often feared for the safety for you and the children. There may have been times where you feared conflict may escalate to dangerous levels and were waiting to gain the courage to leave. You may have contacted a domestic violence agency who helped you create a safety plan, or you contacted the police amidst an escalating conflict as you thought it could potentially result in physical harm. Conversely, you may be alienating your children from the other parent to seek revenge and inflict suffering on your coparent or erase your relationship with them as you no longer want to see them so therefore your children’s relationship has to be erased too. You may even be scared that if you enable parenting time with the other parent that they may not return your kids.

Of course, if there has been a pattern of family violence behaviour that has put you or the children at risk, then you need protection via a violence order.  A violence order can provide the space needed for high conflict parties to emotionally calm and prepare for the challenges ahead with the help of third-party professionals to help you communicate and negotiate parenting arrangements and financial settlement.

So, reflect on the behaviour to determine if it has been since the relationship has deteriorated, where arguments may have been increasing over time as the demise of the relationship pushed you both closer to separation. The last year or two may have created a chasm of conflict, disappointment and frustration as you both grappled with whether the relationship would survive. You both may not like each other very much let alone love each other anymore, but your love for your kids keeps you trapped. One or both of you may have laid awake at night wondering if you should stay or go and have put off the inevitable for the sake of the kids. The tension at home may become too much and arguments start to escalate with slamming doors and raising voices until one of you shouts, “that’s it I want a divorce”. 

Relationships end. They end because both or one of you are no longer happy in this union. Your relationship may have become rocky and respectful communication went out the window long ago. Ongoing coparenting requires both of you as parents to be the role models your children need you to be, to help the family transition to a new family structure. Whether you are distraught the relationship is over or whether you have accepted the relationship has ended, it requires respectful communication and child focus to manage the separation journey.

Reflect on your pre-separation relationship ……. were you emotionally, verbally or physically abused throughout the relationship? You may have walked on eggshells, awaiting the next explosive outburst. You lived in fear that the conflict could escalate as there has been an underlying aggression or threat to harm you, your children or the family pets. You want to leave but you want to keep your family safe as you go through this emotionally charged separation. If a pattern of domestic violence throughout your relationship makes you fear for your safety, you need to take action by reaching out to a domestic violence organisation to create a safety plan to prepare, have support in place and leave safely. If an argument escalates to a point of threatening violence, call the police.

Reflect on your pre-separation relationship ……. you may have been drifting apart for years, teetering between sarcastic snide remarks to being withdrawn into silence. You may have been living like flat mates or arguing over everything. One or both of you conclude there is no future together and the relationship is over! You may be so mad with your ex, you hate them and never want to see them again. You may decide that it’s just you and the kids now and you don’t want your ex in your life at all, not even for the kids to see their other parent. Your ex might be calling or texting you to ask when they can see the kids, but you don’t answer, they try again….no response. They leave desperate voicemails and texts the next day but there is no reply. This continues for days, turning into weeks. They feel their heart breaking, wondering if they will ever see their kids again. In sheer desperation they drive past your home hoping to catch a glimpse of the children in the garden. They go to the school waiting to talk to the kids as they come through the gate, but you picked them up earlier anticipating their next move. Alienating the children can create domestic violence behaviours such as emotional abuse, verbal abuse, harassment and stalking.

Both parents need to be mindful that their emotional actions at separation can lead to domestic violence behaviours resulting in violence orders. Domestic violence is not acceptable. If communication is severed, engage professional third parties like a Divorce Coach, FDRP Mediator or Lawyer to help you communicate respectfully and negotiate with the children’s best interests as the priority.     

Your children have the right to have a relationship and spend time with both parents where it is safe to do so. If you don’t want to talk to the other parent or see them, you can do shuttle mediation to negotiate parenting arrangements whether that is supervised or unsupervised. How you feel about your coparent is not how your children feel about their other parent. Your children look up to you as role models to help them through the emotional turmoil of separation.

Let your children have a ‘child focused separation and not a separation focused childhood’[i].

Author Cheryl Duffy -

CDC Certified Divorce Coach^®

DCA Divorce Conflict Coach

DCA Conflicted Coparenting Coach

Accredited NMAS Mediator

Accredited Family Dispute Resolution Practitioner

Parenting Coordinator

Mental Health First Aider

www.thedivorcecentre.com.au

[i] Unknown source