So often I hear people saying their ex just wasn’t the right one or those out on the dating scene saying it is so hard to find the right one!
So, who is the right one?
We may make a mental checklist of what the right one might be like - intelligent, funny, fun, loyal, affectionate, loving, caring, honest, trustworthy…….and the list goes on! The list is different for everyone thank goodness, or else we would be looking for the exact same person as everyone else. We already think finding the right one is like looking for a needle in a haystack!
So, we venture out on dates with our invisible checklist, mentally ticking off our criteria in our head or putting a big x when we uncover a deal breaker. Oh yeah, didn’t I mention that we not only have all the good stuff on our checklist but we also have all the things we don’t want such as selfish, chauvinistic, stingy, mean, a player…. and once again the list goes on!
What a nightmare!
We may be so scared to get hurt again that we make our checklist so tough, only a super human can live up to it. After each date we either feel like we will never find the right one or start googling local monasteries to join since it appears we are going to be celibate for the rest of our lives. Conversely, we could start to doubt we are good enough. That there must be something wrong with us since we can’t find that emotional connection we are yearning for. This comes as no surprise as often our self-worth plummets after a relationship breakup!
In our search for the right one we often miss the most important point of all. We need to become the right one for ourselves. We can only be the right one when we are our best selves, love who we are and know our worth. To be our best selves we need to feel good about ourselves, like what we see in the mirror, love who we are as a person, and be living with purpose and passion.
When we love who we are we become more lovable and can share love with others. If we don’t love who we are we subconsciously question whether anyone else can love us. If we are negative about ourselves, about life and about everything around us we give off negative energy and attract negativity into our lives. This can also mean we attract negative people into our lives. It’s like a magnet, what vibe you put out, you attract. If you have a healthy mindset, positive, grateful and hopeful, you will attract positive people into your life. Positive people can be repelled by negative people as they find their negativity to be draining, zapping their energy.
So how can you become the right one for you?
First of all, write down all your good qualities, strengths and achievements
Write down 3 things you are grateful for and 3 positive things that happen to you daily
When a negative incident occurs turn it into a positive such as; I got stuck in traffic which made me late for work but thankfully I wasn't 5 mins earlier otherwise I may have been in the accident that caused the traffic jam
Write down what you want to improve in your life, in ALL areas of your life. This can include physical health, mental health, career, friendships, hobbies, home, etc
Work out what will be your priorities for change
Make a plan with key actions to shift from where you are to where you want to be
Celebrate your progress along the way
You will start to see your life shift over 6 -12 weeks which boosts your self-esteem, self-worth and self-confidence.
As you transform, friends, family or work colleagues may compliment you on the changes they are witnessing which in turn drives your motivation for change.
One day, you will notice for yourself the difference in who you are now, compared to who you were before. You may catch yourself laughing a lot more, accepting more social invitations, admire yourself in the mirror before heading out on a date or feel the spark of life that has been reignited.
As you venture out on a date you walk taller, with confidence, almost glowing and suddenly you realise you have become the right one. The right one who loves you unconditionally, supports you in everything you do and is with you through the good and the bad times.
Anyone else that comes into your life is a just a bonus!
Author – Cheryl Duffy, Divorce Coach, Mediator & Author