Updated: Jul 8, 2021
Will I find love again ?
This is a question we ask ourselves after months or even years of healing a broken heart. We want to fall in love but are we courageous enough to do so? We all crave to be loved and give love but past experiences paralyse us into fear of allowing ourselves to be vulnerable again. Do we trust they won’t hurt us?
Let’s face it, we have heard it all before, the professing of undying love only to be cast aside like a disposable napkin which has had its use and no longer needed. Is it safe to let our guard down now? We know what happened last time, the grief that we plummeted into, that sense of loss of control and a grip on life. The uncertainty of the once pictured future has vanished in a cloud of dust. Are we really ready to put ourselves out there in the firing line again or are we too scared to take the chance in case we get hurt again?
We often reminisce of the love we felt, how it made us feel, warm, safe and secure. We smile fondly remembering the romantic gestures, the closeness and connection of intimacy and wonder what it might be like to have that once again but all of a sudden we snap out of that day dream. We remind ourselves of the days curled up in the foetal position sobbing, feeling sick, feeling the psychical pain of our heart breaking and we quickly comfort ourselves saying that we are best to stay on our own in our current comfort zone void of love but void of grief too. An almost robotic numb existence feeling nothing but security that to stay this way is the safest.
Even if we do meet someone it can feel like being in an old western movie in a standoff, each hovering a finger over the trigger of the gun ready to kill, instead of being killed. Our radar on alert scouring for possible threatening signs that it is too risky to drop our gun, our guard and trust that the other person won’t shoot us in the heart. We stand on heightened alert waiting for someone to make the first move and can continue in this mode of security for days or even months. We don’t feel relaxed, or our true selves. It’s like being encased in a suit of armour protecting our vulnerable underbelly which we feel too scared to expose.
Love doesn’t have a chance when we guard ourselves like this, no one can get in, no one can see our beautiful personality, our passion for life, or receive our open heart welcoming them into our life.
Don’t we deserve love? Of course we do, so why are we self-sabotaging ourselves? We want to be loved but too scared to be open to it. Any possible flaw or risk in the union is met with the voice inside your head saying “Oh no it won’t work, don’t risk it” even though your heart might be crying out “I want to be loved”. How can we be open to love but ensure we don’t get hurt again?
Firstly we need to know our worth! A lot of times we fear getting hurt because we don’t feel good enough, that we are somehow inadequate and we will be cast aside again. Sometimes we might even go for a similar type of partner as last time and wonder why it results in the same outcome validating our thoughts that it’s no use falling in love because it never works out.
It’s important to recognise your strengths, your key attributes of why you’re a worthy partner. Gain confidence from achievements made in your life, awards you may have received, kind gestures appreciated by others. Be your best self so you fill up your tank of self-love. Know that you’re not going to be right for everyone but you’ll be right for the right one. Adopt the mantra of “what will be will be” because if something is meant to last it will but if it wasn’t it won’t and you have set the expectation with your mantra that if its meant to work it will but if it doesn’t it wasn’t meant to.
Haven’t you noticed that subsequent partners in life just keep getting better because you have evolved to make wiser choices, become resilient and stronger to handle the setbacks of life?
Give love a chance, have an open heart and if it’s meant to be it will be knowing you gave it your best shot because your heart was open to accept love and that your stepping up to the plate as your best self and if that isn’t good enough then it wasn’t meant to be and someone more deserving and worthy of you will come along.
You deserve love, embrace it, life is too short!
Author - Cheryl Duffy
Cheryl Duffy, Mediator, Divorce Coach & Author of The Divorce Tango