Those dreaded words, “I am not in love with you anymore”
So many people struggle to accept their partner no longer loves them. They find it unbelievable that they felt great love from their partner which seems to have suddenly turned to a steely cold loveless relationship…. but was the light of love dimming for some time, going unnoticed?
They rack their brains scanning the past for signs they missed, envisioning themselves as a bus driver asleep at the wheel hurtling past many warning signs on their journey of life such as ‘stop’, ‘yield’, ‘exit’, ‘caution ahead’, “rough road” or “dead end”
They scan through recent photos together where they both look happy, pull-out old birthday cards with loving sentiment inside and recall recent acts of thoughtfulness. The heart and the head are in conflict. The heart still thinks they love them, but the head is now in doubt.
In their panic, with fear of losing them they become clingy, desperate, and tearful saying “we can make it work” …… whilst their partner cringes in guilt and shame feeling like they are trapped.
They may apply pressure to their partner to stay, like cornering a wild animal who desperately wants to get out but the more stifled they feel, unable to flee, the more agitated, stressed and aggressive they become. They are just waiting for their opportunity to escape.
Some partners do spiteful acts to push the pursuer away, almost forcing the pursuer to give up the chase, to set them free. Almost pushing the pursuer to come to the same conclusion that the relationship has no future, to agree to end it. Acts of infidelity, verbal abuse and financial sabotage are weapons to force the separation. Sometimes the pursuer, heartbroken and devastated at the spiralling demise of the relationship clings onto hope of reconciliation.
Even after the escapee has left, who feels relieved and free, the pursuer lives in hope. Love can’t be switched off overnight, even if they are treated badly, their heart still breaks with every fond memory. The emotional connection cannot be easily severed and they can live in limbo clinging to the past unable to let go and move on for months or even years.
Slipping into anger at their life being ruined, overwhelmed with sadness and regret that they couldn’t have prevented the separation. They eventually stop living in the past, but have also stopped living for the future, existing in limbo. Their life is on autopilot, void of emotion, lifeless without purpose.
Time heals they say, but no one can say how long it takes to heal……. a month, a year, or two years…. it’s different for everyone. The scars run deep and are carried with them everywhere they go, like a constant reminder of the love lost. The love they yearn for is a risk they are not willing to take in case they get hurt again. The only way to be ready for love again is focus within and heal. Rebuild the self-worth that plummeted, rebuild the confidence lost, transform themselves so that their life transforms too. It is only when we start to love ourselves and feel we are worthy of love that we can open our heart to it again.
From the depths of grief through recovery we become stronger than we were before and realise that we deserve our best life. It is only when we have a positive mindset and exude confidence and purpose that we attract other positive, happy people into our life. Then the journey of life resumes again, but we know this time we cannot be broken again as we are much stronger now.
Know that life is like the tide of the ocean flowing with the current in and out. Be carried along by the current of life without resistance, as we are where we are meant to be. Life events happen that we endure and conquer and so often eventually realise it was a blessing in disguise.
Years can be wasted in sorrow. Know that you are destined for a better life, that those who came into your life came for a finite amount of time to fulfil their purpose. Find your passion & purpose and live your best life yet.
The Accelerated Recovery course helps you let go, move on and create your best life!
Author – Cheryl Duffy, Divorce Coach, Mediator & Author