Listen closely when you start dating to what your new flame describes as complaints their ex had about them ! You are in the honeymoon phase and you think how on earth could that be true but as time goes by you may just find you’re experiencing exactly the same issues !
This isn’t just about your new flame because what you told them your ex thought about you could be exactly what gets thrown up in your face too ……. and then you realise history may have repeated itself !
In many deep dive conversations with clients who are ready to find love again I work with them to identify qualities they are looking for in a future partner, rate them, identify deal breakers and even put their old relationships through the qualities test and realise why it didn’t work and more importantly that they have been choosing similar types of partner over and over again only to end up with the same outcome. It’s time to break the cycle !
It’s not only about choosing a partner based on the partner qualities matrix you have defined for greater success BUT it’s about reflecting on what your ex’s have said about you to do some personal growth to have awareness of when you behave in a way that is sabotaging your relationships.
It’s important to identify those behaviours, identify alternative behaviours, proactively become aware when you demonstrate those behaviours, and apply actions to modify your behaviour so you can train yourself to break old habits.
No one is perfect, including you, it is important to know you can’t change anyone, only ourselves.
You can change how you respond to someone’s behaviour but ultimately need to accept that is how they are and whether it is something you can accept long term or whether it will become the reason you walk away.
You may look at your past relationships, dates you have been on or prospects that are out there and think you are better off with who you have. Always look at the whole package good, bad and the ugly to uncover whether the good times and good traits out way the bad to determine if this is someone you picture yourself growing old with !
There are times when external pressures, stressors or uncertainty in our lives can make us feel the relationship is the problem when in fact it is these external factors that put pressure on our relationship. We all behave badly under stress and pressure, it’s knowing if the person you are with generally stands by you, supports you emotionally and empowers you to be your best. Then you will have your answer.
Author - Cheryl Duffy
Cheryl Duffy, Mediator, Divorce Coach & Author of The Divorce Tango
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