Tango Tales - 'Phases of a Shadowy Moon'
Updated: Jul 8
Sally struggled to sleep at night as her mind was always racing. Her thoughts were constantly torturing her. Her monkey mind would always be chattering, questioning why her life turned out the way it had, what did she do that caused it, what could she have done to prevent it?
Each night she would toss and turn searching for answers, replaying events in her life looking for clues that should have signalled her to take action. When she found them, it was like a light being switched on, like catching a thief in the dark. Sometimes Sally would get up and sit in the dark sipping a cup of tea and look out at the moon. It never seemed to be a full moon, most times it was in darkness as though it’s light was out too. Sally likened herself to the shadowy moon, where most of her spirit was in darkness only revealing a quarter of her energy source, just enough to exist in life.
Sally blamed herself for being asleep at the wheel of her life, oblivious at the time to any problems that could have been addressed and possibly resolved. Exhausted and emotionally drained she would wonder back to bed and eventually drop off to sleep, only to be jolted awake by dreams of her ex, awakening to a sense of panic. Her dream had been replaying her once happy life, which wasn’t her reality in her waking hours. Her stomach would lurch as though being thrown around on a fairground ride, she would instantly feel sick, an overwhelming feeling of dread blanketed her as her reality awakened fully.
Each morning was like groundhog day, she wished the constant replaying of her happy life during her sleep would have a different ending whereby one morning she would awake to roll over and see her sleeping husband and snuggle up to his warm comforting body to hug him close with him responding to her touch by taking her hand on his chest and hold it close to his heart.
Sometimes when she awoke, she wished she could have just stayed asleep forever happy in her slumber of days gone by.
The torture continued in her denial that he was gone and she would go to the bedside drawer and bring out all the past birthday cards, Christmas cards and valentines cards from her ex declaring his undying love to her and she would read them all and break down sobbing with grief unable to reconcile what had happened. It was as though her past life was contradicting her reality, the voice in her head saying, no read it again, it can’t be true, he wrote it, he really meant it, or did he? Her mind would play tricks wondering what to believe, that he does still love her and everything would go back to normal or he never loved her and his written and spoken words must have been a sham.
Eventually Sally would stuff them back in the drawer as though returning the band aid she had ripped off a wound and leave to heal for a few days before ripping it off again opening the wound exposing all the raw nerve endings trembling with pain.
This went on for what seemed an eternity, but in reality, was months and she realised her life would never go back to the way it was. She felt numb, as though she was observing her life from the outside as a spectator and not actually in it as she struggled to accept that this was her new life, her new existence.
Years went by where her guilt of a failed marriage continued to erode her self-worth concluding that she didn’t deserve to be happy again as she wasn’t good enough for her husband of 19 years because he didn’t want her, so who would?
Sally knew she wanted to change her life to be happy again but was stuck in limbo afraid to let go of her past and move on to create a life she deserved. Being so afraid to take the risk of being left again to plummet into despair and depression was something Sally certainly never wanted to experience again.
Suddenly she realised that she didn’t need someone to make her happy because she was responsible to make herself happy, so she set about embarking on doing things that would have a positive impact on her life, doing a university degree to build her self-esteem, volunteering to help those in need to teach her gratitude for her own life which helped rebuild her self-worth, and embarked on a health regime to become her best self to transform from someone she didn’t recognise in the mirror anymore to the person she wanted to become and be proud of which restored her self-confidence.
As her life was being rebuilt, she would often sit in the dark and look out at the moon sipping a cup of tea before going to bed. She started to see changes in the moon of more light being exposed as it was going through it's different phases over time from a crescent, first quarter, waxing gibbous and finally a full moon in all its glory.
Sally smiled as she likened it to herself, how she was going through her transformational change where people could see her light growing, showing more of Sally’s inner glow being reignited as she made significant positive changes to her life.
As each milestone was achieved, she would celebrate with family and friends who were so pleased to see her embrace life again as they saw the pain and sorrow endured being replaced with hope and happiness. Her motivation to continue to transform her life was fuelled by people cheering her on remarking on how great she looked, how proud they were of the achievements she had made, and how she had taken charge of her life.
Sally had created a wonderful life and was so happy that she was emanating positive energy and thirst for life that she was attracting people into her life that fed off that energy as their own life source was diminished.
Thankfully Sally eventually realised that her life force was being depleted and broke free to ensure she was never dragged down with them and lose herself again.
Sure, there have been tough times to get through in life for Sally but she knows she will never allow grief to consume her again.
Life is like a rollercoaster; it has ups and downs and sometimes the ride is so scary you just want it to stop so you can get off. Know that the ride with its highs and lows will take you on your life journey to your destination so if you don’t stay on the ride you won’t get there. Along the way we have lessons in life that teach us to be strong, to take charge of our own destiny and push us to become our best self.
In Sally’s search for her soulmate she finally realised she wanted the comforting characteristics of her father’s protective, unconditional love and support to achieve what ever her dreams were. She knew that her father’s love never waned, would never be withdrawn, nor be betrayed.
One day, her soulmate entered her life who reminded her so much of her father’s principles and values, which were so aligned with her own. Sally feels the protective unconditional love and support for her dreams and feels safe and secure once again.
The moon is now full, radiating light, glowing bright, the phases of the moon are now complete, just like Sally!
Author - Cheryl Duffy
Cheryl Duffy, Mediator, Divorce Coach & Author of The Divorce Tango