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My partner doesn't make me happy anymore

Updated: Mar 1, 2022

Whose job is it to make us happy? Is it our partner or is it ourselves?

So often I hear clients say “My partner doesn’t make me happy anymore”

There is a perception that other people are responsible for our happiness and if they fail to make us happy then we conclude that maybe we should separate or divorce!

When we stop to assess why we are unhappy, we can actually discover it may be external factors that made us unhappy such as losing a job, covid stress, financial instability, or a health issue. Then there are the internal factors of our own dissatisfaction within ourselves such as a midlife crisis, lack of achievement, low self-worth, or not living with a sense of passion or purpose.

When you are unhappy from external factors or internal factors you may feel you want to escape your current life thinking that will fix your problems, but often the problems would just follow you to your new life. You may be projecting your unhappiness onto your partner which makes it difficult for them to want to be around you and they may start coming home later from work or going out with friends more to avoid the cloud of gloom that awaits them at home. They may feel emotionally drained from your neediness of them to make you happy, your constant negativity and low motivation to bring about change in your own life as you feel unfulfilled.

You may be thinking well if they didn’t work so late or opt to go out with their friends after work on a Friday night instead of spending time with me, I wouldn’t be annoyed and angry when they got home. The problem is, you are relying on them to make you happy, instead of becoming happy and they want to be around you as you attract them by being positive and upbeat instead of repel them by being moody and distant. By not being happy you can push them further away.

Think of the reasons why they fell in love with you. You may have been bubbly, adventurous, fun, attentive, loving, happy, confident etc. Are you still that same person they fell in love with?

Now I am not saying you have to be happy 100% all of the time as that is impossible as you will have a bad day every now and then, but if you are unhappy most of the time it is really going to impact your relationship as the joy of being with you evaporates.

The key is to do things that bring you joy and happiness and fill your tank of self-worth such as you may;

  • hate your job feeling disengaged both at work and at home so you might decide to apply for a new job or enrol in a course to seek a job in a more fulfilling vocation.

  • feel life is boring and therefore decide to take up a hobby you have always wanted to try.

  • think life is passing you by and fear getting older so you might decide to create a healthy lifestyle to transform yourself.

  • feel you are a wife and mother and everyone else’s needs are more important than your own so you decide every Wednesday night is ‘me time’

  • feel you are a husband and a dad working long hours to provide for the family and decide to put your health first and reduce your hours

When you are doing things that are making you feel more engaged, bring you enjoyment and fulfillment, provide you with purpose, it can change your whole demeanour. Your zest for life will be like a magnet to others to want to be around you because you are positive and happy.

Some people who have transformed themselves and their life often say ‘I look and feel younger’

Don’t rely on others to make you happy, bring happiness to your own life.

When you are happy within yourself, then you are in a better position to know if your relationship has a future.

Author – Cheryl Duffy

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