My child is refusing to adhere to parenting orders

It can be a real dilemma for parents when their child refuses to go to one of their parent’s homes as part of the parenting arrangements in consent or parenting orders.

Some parents shrug their shoulders and say, “What can I do, they are refusing to go?” or "My child is a teenager, so they are old enough to make their own decision"

Others are worried that they will get into trouble for breaching the orders if their child refuses.

Then there are some who secretly feel they have won the lottery gaining full parenting time with their child, which was what they had wanted all along.

It is important to know that the orders are made for the parents to adhere to, NOT the child. As parents, you are required to ensure that the child goes to the other parent’s home for their parenting time.

You might think, how can I force them to go?

You can’t physically force them, but you are under obligation to uncover why they don’t want to and find solutions with the other parent to encourage the child to go so that the orders can be adhered to.

Firstly, think to yourself, what are my initial thoughts in this instance? Be honest with yourself.

It is important to reflect if there have been any behaviours you have demonstrated that could have influenced this decision by your child.

• Have you been having a lot of arguments with your ex which has created anxiety and stress for your child? Your child's decision may be trying to short circuit the conflict by not going to the other parent’s home as it makes them feel guilty, disloyal or just don’t want to be in the middle of the conflict anymore.

• Have you been bad mouthing the other parent in front of your child making them feel sad, fearful or bad about themselves being half of the other parent you despise?

• Are you reveling in the pain and suffering that your ex will feel not seeing your child as you feel hurt due to the loss you feel from the breakup?

  
  

If you can resonate with these behaviours, then stop and think about how you can change your behaviour as it has a major impact on your child’s emotional and psychological well-being. This can impact your child's future relationships, even the relationship with you!

Secondly, you need to uncover with the child, why they child don’t want to go to the other parent’s home. Whatever you feel about the parenting arrangements, you need to believe the child will benefit from having a meaningful relationship with both parents unless your child advises there are safety concerns. Safety issues could be investigated through child inclusive mediation and/or child protection services. If there are no safety issues, then consider this; a child generally doesn't refuse to go to the other parent at all, they are refusing being forced according to the conditions set out in the parenting orders. You need to sit down with your child and ask what has happened to make them not want to go to the other parent’s house.

Some examples of what children may say;

• They are not getting to see their friends enough which gives each parent a starting point to create more opportunities for the child to see their friends such as outings that can include them bringing a friend or their friend come for a sleepover.  

• They can do more at one parent’s home than the other such as playing video games, have more iPad or TV screen time. This provides an opportunity for both parents to negotiate and agree on what they feel is a reasonable amount of time that can be applied in both homes.

• They miss the dog when they go to the other parent’s home. This provides an opportunity for parents to agree that the dog can go to the other parent’s home sometimes or the other parent can pick up the child and the dog to go on an outing to a dog park or bush walk.

• They may find there is too much travelling, such as they go to the other parent’s Friday night which is an hour away but must come back by 8am the next day to go to their soccer game. Children are often impacted by logistics. Changes can easily be agreed and adjusted in a parenting plan to supersede that component in the orders so you can reduce stress and anxiety.

  
  

Thirdly, once you uncover the cause, you can work with the other parent to make a signed parenting plan to apply agreed adjustments. Both parents need to work together to resolve any issues or produce solutions that will make it easier for the child to go between both homes. Be sure to ask your child as the child often knows what would make their life easier.

If you are the parent who the child is refusing to go to, your first response may be that the other parent has something to do with your child's decision making you angry and frustrated that the orders are to be enforced. This can often escalate down the legal pathway AGAIN to battle it out. The voice of the child will be taken into consideration by the court, so wouldn't it be less stressful and costly to work with your child and your ex to negotiate some flexibility via mediation instead of being forced to do so by the court?

If you need help from a neutral third party, you can engage a Family Dispute Resolution Practitioner to facilitate parenting mediation with the support of a child consultant who can help bring the voice of the child to the mediation to enable parents to negotiate new parenting arrangements.

If parents are in agreement on what parenting arrangements they want they can gain the support to create their agreed parenting plan here

Author – Cheryl Duffy, Divorce Coach, Family Dispute Resolution Practitioner, NMAS Mediator, Divorce Conflict Coach & Parenting Coordinator  

www.thedivorcecentre.com.au