I signed agreement in mediation, but now I have changed my mind

Cheryl Duffy
Aug 11
4 min read

It can feel like mediation wasn’t sufficient time to make such long-term big decisions on parenting arrangements or property settlement within 3-4 hours of mediation. These are major decisions that will impact you significantly in your life. You may feel rushed or pressured to sign off a parenting plan or heads of agreement. Pressure may not only feel like it is coming from your ex, but also from the mediator or your lawyer to reach agreement in your mediation session.

If you need more time to think about the proposals on the table, advise the mediator that you want to have more time to think about it and return for another session of mediation in a week or so or have more legal advice to help you feel what you are agreeing to is an outcome you can live with.

It is also important for you to reflect on what is causing you to change your mind to resist going forward with the solution that was agreed –

Do you feel anxious that reaching a final agreement triggers emotions and feelings of sadness, as it signals the finality of the end of the relationship where you may have hoped for reconciliation?
1. Seeking the help of a Divorce Coach or counsellor will help you work through these feelings of loss and feeling you are in a fog unable to perceive a new future, making you fearful of the uncertainty ahead.
2. Working through grief with professional support can help you shift from denial to acceptance that the relationship you hope for may not be retrievable.
Do you feel the outcome isn’t fair as it didn’t go in your favour whereby the ex has received more parenting time or financial gain in the agreement?
1. Is it about not wanting your ex to win as you still carry the pain and hurt of the breakup?
2. Maybe, you don’t feel you have been fully prepared with enough time to have your questions answered regarding impacts on the children, logistics of agreement or whether it is financially viable to buy out the other party of the family home.
3. Explore what extra information you need or professionals to engage to gain further clarification. You may need advice on whether what you hope to achieve is viable such as how to help your children through the transition ahead or your borrowing capacity from a mortgage broker or bank.
4. Identify what the monetary gap between the signed heads of agreement for property and what you hope to achieve. You want to be able to understand if the cost of legal pathway outweighs the extra financial gain you seek.
Do you fear you made a wrong decision in agreeing and feel there is no turning back to get what you are entitled to?
1. In parenting arrangements, there can be the sense of if I agree now to arrangements, it could mean there is no opportunity to increase time with the children in the future. This is where a phased parenting plan is important to agree on the phases of incremental time with the children increasing over months or years.
2. If you agree to a parenting plan with little amount of time with the children due to desperation to see them, because you may not have seen them in a while, it may be difficult if you take your parenting plan and change them into consent orders which cannot be re-opened unless there are significant changes in circumstances. You can change a parenting plan as it is not enforceable, BUT if you have signed a parenting plan and a future court assesses if the parenting plan was working for a considerable amount of time may feel that it is too disruptive for changes to the childrens’ routine.
3. In property matters, there can be a sense of fear that if you agree now, have I made the right decision based on my financial future. You may want to have your counter proposals or heads of agreement reviewed by a lawyer or a financial planner to understand how you may secure your financial needs. This may help you understand how to create financial security and stability.
Do you feel it was rushed to get to a decision as you are going to lose your best-case scenario as you have been living it by living in the family home or having the children the majority of the time?
1. You may feel you are not ready with a sudden panic that you need to pack up and leave a home that has been agreed to be sold and proceeds shared. You may wonder if you will be able to afford a place of your own in the future or want to buy-out existing family home so you can stay in it. You may want to look at what your financial options are in where you may be able to afford which you want to seek more time to assess your options.
2. You may feel the children are too young to be away from you as primary carer for so long and worry about the impact on them or scared of the loneliness you anticipate without them. A phased parenting plan will help the children adjust to the incremental changes in care as well as help you feel that the children have achieved more independence and resilience to cope with the changes. It will also provide you with time to get use to time without the children so you can either seek a career or do hobbies you use to do pre-children.
Pre-mediation coaching sessions help you to prepare and be ready with options that are reality tested on what is achievable for outcomes you could live with. You are encouraged to seek advice on your borrowing capacity, research areas to rent or buy, and logistics with children getting to and from school. You may even consider “nesting” so children stay in the nest for awhile whilst your negotiations proceed. This enables you to feel confident and empowered to negotiate in mediation knowing what the outcomes could be and be ready to rebuild your life thereafter.