Amidst the emotional pain of separation, we can become a victim of circumstance, where divorce is thrust upon us. We resist it because we never wanted it to happen to us in the first place. Our world has been turned upside down and we are left to pick up the pieces, dragged kicking and screaming through the divorce process. In our pain and anguish, we can lash out, not only to our ex but to those who attempt to help us too!
We operate from our instinct to fight, when we are under threat becoming hyperalert anticipating future attacks. We no longer know who we can trust. Our life is full of anxiety, conflict, and stress with our ex being our persecutor. We are the victim in search of a rescuer to save us from this post-divorce purgatory and yet anyone that offers help is met with distrust and disdain. Who can we trust when our heart has been broken? To continue in this dynamic keeps you trapped in this powerless void, waiting for the next issue or challenge to pile on top of your emotionally exhausted, overwhelmed state of mind.
I remember my own journey, years ago, when I didn’t seek help from a psychologist or counsellor even though I was an emotional mess. I threw myself into work, seeming to be strong on the outside, going it alone. With an external plate of armour as my body, impenetrable to my quivering broken heart. When I looked back over my journey of self-sabotage, eating my emotions for comfort, I realised why it took me years to heal and recover.
Instead of being the victim of my life, I should have been the creator, future focused making forward steps toward creating a vision of a new life. To see my ex as my challenger and leverage a professional to support and empower me to put the past behind me, so I could let go and move on to accelerate my recovery. Hindsight is a powerful thing, no use to me, only useful to others embarking on the same journey.
So, many years on, I see others on their journey of destruction. Inflicting pain on themselves as they lash out at those offering help. Professionals who offer advice in support groups, write blogs and articles to provide insights to help others to get through troubled times, pro bono work to those financially challenged and of course as paid services to make a living for their families. They have chosen a vocation to help those in need as they want to make a difference to help those in a dark place …. and yet they are heckled as vultures swooping in to exploit the wounded in their divorce misery.
We have to consider there are many professionals who help people;
A dentist fixes a broken tooth which is causing misery to the patient. Once the patient is healed, they feel relief, and willingly pay for the service now their pain has stopped.
An optometrist relieves migraine misery to the patient. Once the patient is healed, they thank them for the glasses and willingly pay for the service now their pain has stopped.
An ambulance rushes a patient who has broken a leg to the hospital. Once the patient is healed, they are thankful and willingly pay for the service now their pain has stopped.
So, I suppose since the pain of divorce isn’t easily healed with one tooth extraction, a set of glasses or an ambulance to the hospital. The professionals providing services through the divorce process can sometimes not be seen as helpful, but rather a service they have to have to get through this traumatic time.
There are divorce coaches, counsellors, psychologists, mediators and lawyers that help clients who are emotionally distraught, angry and sad to push through the pain to get to the other side where they can create a new life for themselves. Many clients can be consumed with grief and battle it out at any cost, which often extends the misery keeping them prisoner to the pain.
Misery needs recovery, so get the help you need to escalate the healing. Don’t keep looking back over your shoulder at the wrongs made against you. Let the pain subside and let the fog obscuring the future lift, enabling you to see the possibilities of a new life.
You deserve to be happy!
Author – Cheryl Duffy, Divorce Coach, Mediator & Author