The past trauma of losing the love of someone, can create an insecurity and belief that you are unlovable which can ruin future relationships. The very fear of losing them actually pushes them away. So, when your partner leaves, your subconscious tells you, your fear was warranted, because the self-fulling prophecy has come to fruition and they have left, just as you expected.
When you scan back over your past relationship, you can see how your insecurity actually drove them away.
They may have told you daily how much they love you, but your inner voice questioned “but do they really?”
After every argument, your inner voice says “they are going to leave now, I knew they would one day”
You may think of times when you weren’t your best self, through stress or pressure in life and your inner voice says “no wonder they left you, you are a horrible person”
The fear of losing love is driven by the lack of self-love! You don’t love you, so you think how can anyone else love you. You may love the good parts about yourself where you seek in your mind what family and friends love about you such as you are kind, caring, generous, dependable, trustworthy, etc.
Then your inner critic finds the things that you believe are your unlovable traits which may have been said to you by others in the past which has stuck to you like glue, unable to peel off the hurt and pain that has stuck to your very soul. You may have been told you are controlling, impatient or an inattentive workaholic. They all may seem negative traits which we can carry as a burden of who we are but the traits we deem as negative flaws can actually be seen in a positive light too!
You may have been told you are controlling. Think of the positive intention of being controlling, you plan everything to make things happen, assign actions to people to get things done on time or come up with ideas on how to improve things.
You may have been told you are impatient, wanting things now instead of waiting. This could be a promotion, a holiday, or a new car. Being impatient can actually be the drive to motivate you to get what you want in life, to take action and to achieve your life goals.
You may have been told you are an inattentive workaholic but your positive intention was to be dedicated to your job, a high achiever, and provide a good lifestyle for your family.
So think about what others have said about you…..
All the negative traits can have a positive intention and be accepted by you about yourself. To accept your perceived flaws can be the first step to loving you for who you are. Loving all of you, seeing the positive contribution you bring to others and the world.
This is not to say you may not want to improve or tweak yourself to be the best version of you, but ultimately if you love who you are, you will have a greater capacity to love and be loved.
If people walk away from you in life, they are no longer meant to be there, as you continue on with your journey. Don’t rate who you are by what others think or say about you, their opinion is no longer important. It is how you feel and think about yourself which creates your positive energy.
So, think positively about everything about you and be your best self. This positive energy will increase your confidence and self-worth, so that you accept yourself for who you are and love yourself.
This self-love will give you the capacity to share love and be loved.
Author – Cheryl Duffy, Divorce Coach, Mediator & Author
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