Can the cockroach theory be applied to coparenting conflict?

The cockroach theory is a self-development theory on how we handle disturbances in life -

“At a restaurant, a cockroach suddenly flew from somewhere and sat on a lady. She started screaming out of fear. With a face stricken with panic and a trembling voice, she began to jump, both her hands desperately attempting to rid herself of the cockroach. Her reaction spread like wildfire, causing everyone in her group to also become panicky.

After a valiant effort, the lady succeeded in pushing the cockroach away, but to everyone's dismay, it landed on another lady in the group. Now, it was the turn of the second lady in the group to carry on the drama.

The waiter rushed forward to their rescue. In the relay of throwing, the cockroach next fell upon the waiter.

The waiter stood firm, composed himself and observed the behaviour of the cockroach on his shirt.

When he was confident enough, he grabbed it with his fingers and threw it out of the restaurant.

Sipping my coffee and watching the amusement, the antenna of my mind picked up a few thoughts and started wondering, was the cockroach responsible for their histrionic behaviour?

If so, then why was the waiter not disturbed? He handled it near to perfection, without any chaos.

It is not the cockroach, but the inability of those people to handle the disturbance caused by the cockroach, that disturbed the ladies.

I realized that it is not the shouting of my father or my boss or my wife that disturbs me, but it's my inability to handle the disturbances caused by their shouting that disturbs me.

It's not the traffic jams on the road that disturbs me, but my inability to handle the disturbance caused by the traffic jam that disturbs me. More than the problem, it's my reaction to the problem that creates chaos in my life.

Lessons learnt from the story: I understood I should not react in life. I should always respond. The women reacted, whereas the waiter responded. Reactions are always instinctive whereas responses are always well thought of. A beautiful way to understand LIFE.

The HAPPY person is not because Everything is RIGHT in his Life. He is HAPPY because his Attitude towards Everything in his Life is Right!”

Credit to the author of the cockroach theory - Divya Brahmbhatt (CWSE – Faculty of Applied Sciences)

So how might the cockroach theory be applied to coparenting conflict?

The key is to RESPOND instead of REACT as responding demonstrates a calm approach to an issue rather than a reaction which triggers others to react too.

Let’s look at some examples –

Your ex has forgotten to bring your child’s laptop to changeover, you –

REACT by shouting at your ex, “why didn’t you bring Billie’s laptop? You know he has assessments this week at school and needs it? You are so unreliable and selfish”. Your ex becomes defensive as is triggered by being called unreliable and selfish when it was a simple mistake. Your ex starts shouting back at you as feels they are under attack. Billy stands nearby anxious and stressed that Mum and Dad are fighting again and it’s all because of him as it is his laptop. Billy runs inside and slams the door. Your ex jumps back into the car and speeds off in anger. You are outraged that you now have to find a way to resolve the problem alone. By reacting at the start has set off a sequence of reactions in everyone. So how could the situation have been handled with calm and respect?

By RESPONDING to the problem by saying “I can’t see Billie’s laptop in the backpack, is it still at your place?, Billy has assessments this week so he needs it” The ex will think about where it may be and say “Oh no, I thought Billy had packed it, I’ll drop by in the morning to give it to Billy before he goes to school” Billy says “Oh sorry I forgot I left it on the coffee table”. The other parent says, “No problem, Billy, I’ll bring it tomorrow, all good” You reply, “OK thanks”. Billy goes inside with you, whilst the other parent drives home. Everyone is calm and sees that a solution has been reached. Great job Mum & Dad!

Your ex says their sister’s wedding is coming up and they would like Billy to attend, you –

RESPOND by saying “I think that’s my weekend with Billy”. Your ex thinking you are refusing for Billy to attend REACTS by shouting “He is going to go to my sister’s wedding, you can’t withhold him just because it’s your weekend. You have always been so rigid and inflexible, no wonder we divorced!”  You are triggered by the accusation that you are rigid and inflexible and yell back “We got divorced because you can’t communicate and fly off the handle if you don’t get your own way” Billy, steps back as the situation explodes into a fall blown argument. His stomach flips over as he hates to see mum and dad fight and he just wants the shouting to stop and covers his ears. So how could the situation have been handled with calm and respect? By your ex

RESPONDING to the problem by saying “Yeah, I know. I would appreciate it if we could swap that weekend, please or you can let me know when you want an extra weekend when needed.” You think to yourself that you wouldn’t be missing out on your time with Billy if it is swapped to another weekend so you RESPOND with “OK no problem, it might be nice to have an extra weekend tacked onto the school holiday week when we go away camping”. Your ex RESPONDS with “OK sounds great”. You know if there was a special occasion in your extended family and wasn’t on your weekend that you would want to swap too. Both parents are calm and happy they don’t miss out on time with Billy but are flexible with each other when special circumstances arise needing a change. Billy is so happy that he gets to go to his aunt’s wedding where he will be with all his cousins and as a bonus has an extra weekend camping. Great outcome mum & Dad!

Based on the outcomes of REACTING versus RESPONDING, it is certainly more beneficial to remain calm and work together to create a solution to avid escalating conflict causing stress and anxiety to everyone, especially the children.

Author Cheryl Duffy, Divorce Coach, Family Dispute Resolution Practitioner, NMAS Mediator, Parenting Coordinator, Divorce Conflict Coach, Conflicted Parenting Coach.

www.thedivorcecentre.com.au