It can be so frustrating, your relationship is on the rocks, teetering on separation. You both agreed to stay together but you are not making each other feel loved.
You may think your partner just isn’t trying, leaving you in doubt whether they really want it to work or not.
Have you considered that your love languages may be tangled up?
Think about it. You may feel unloved because your partner isn’t affectionate towards you. You wish he would grab your hand when you are walking along together, or come up behind you in the kitchen and give you a big hug or pull you close to dance around the loungeroom when your favourite song comes on. You search in your mind for the good things he may have done this week and remember that he took your car to the car wash, told you to sit and relax whilst he made you a snack, and repaired your broken trinket. He may have asked you to cook his favourite meal, asked you to invite his family over for dinner on the weekend, and drop his suit in to be dry cleaned whilst you are out shopping. So, you tell yourself, yeah ok he did some thoughtful things for me but I did things for him too. Besides, I want affection, is that too much to ask for?
Well, it might just be that you both have different love languages. You both could be trying to give your own love language to each other and therefore are left feeling unloved because your love languages are tangled up.
Confused?
There are 5 love languages; physical touch, words of affirmation, acts of service, quality time and gifts.
What do you think your love language might be? What makes you feel loved, appreciated, adored?
You may have a couple of love languages that make you feel warm and fuzzy inside.
From the above example, it would sound like your love language is physical touch. You yearn for him to touch you so you feel loved, close and connected.
OK so now ask yourself what do you think his love language is? Once again from the example above it sounds like his love language is acts of service with him washing your car, making you a snack and repairing your broken trinket. He is even getting you to give him his love language of acts of service such as cooking his favourite meal, inviting his family over for dinner and dropping his suit off at the dry cleaners.
He is giving and receiving his love language to you.
Problem is he needs to give you your love language, not his love language. You might think his acts of service to you are thoughtful but they are not what you crave the most. It is physical touch you want to feel truly loved.
So, you need to talk to him about your love language of physical touch, advising him that is what you need to build emotional connection and deeper love for him. Physical touch might not be his love language so he doesn’t know it's what you need, you have to tell him. The same goes for you. No point in you giving him affection which is your love language because that isn’t his love language. His love language is acts of service so he loves it when you do thoughtful things for him.
It is so important to give each other the love language you each respond to the most to feel loved!
Another example would be he loves quality time and she loves gifts. So, if she is a social butterfly, and always wants them to go out with friend couples and never be just the two of them together, he may feel she doesn’t want to be with him on their own when this is what he craves to feel loved. Conversely, she may love gifts and hopes each time he goes to the shops and gets excited when he is carrying a shopping bag into the house hoping for a surprise gift. When she sees there is no gift for her, she may feel disappointed and unloved. This can be felt even more so, if he bought himself something and not her.
It is really important to understand what your partner’s love language is and think of what you could do that would make them happy and ultimately feel loved.
So have a think of all the five love languages, what is yours and what is your partners! If you can’t work out what your partner’s is by trying to remember when they were excited by something you did, try doing a love language to see what excites them such as –
1. Physical touch – sit next to them on the sofa and hold their hand whilst you watch a movie and see if that makes them happy or
2. Words of affirmation – tell them what you love about them or say ‘I love you’ before you head off to work or
3. Quality time – book a nice restaurant and take them on a date night or
4. Gifts – buy them something they have mentioned lately they want to get or something you think they would like or
5. Acts of service – if they are really busy at work and just haven’t had a chance to take their car in for a service, do it for them to relieve some pressure
Failing that…. ask them! Tell them what yours is so you both know to give the other person the love language or love languages they crave!
It can actually bring you closer together, help you reconnect emotionally and bring back the spark of intimacy!
Author – Cheryl Duffy, Divorce Coach, Mediator & Author