I don't have support, but you can't have the kids

Raising kids can be stressful and emotionally exhausting as you juggle work, running a home and looking after the children’s needs. This happens when families are intact, so when you go through separation it can be much worse when you are trying to do it on your own.

Imagine, you are trying to cook dinner, your eldest child needs help with homework and your youngest needs to be picked up from soccer training in 20mins….. you feel exhausted and pulled in all directions.

Being a single parent can be hard, as you were used to having another member of the team you could share the load with. Now you are trying to do it all.

You feel unsupported, reluctant to give the coparent more time with the kids as you want the kids to have a home base throughout the week. The thought of their routine being disrupted causes major concern but are you really seeing the big picture of how the family support could still be shared.

There are many opportunities for coparents who want to spend more time with the children which actually reduces your workload as primary carer. Think about it…. the coparent could pick your son up straight from school to take him to soccer training, then bring him back home. A coparent could pick the kids up from school to take them to the shoe shop to buy them new school shoes, or take them to the dentist for a checkup, or take them out for dinner so you have a night off cooking.

Many primary carers either don’t want to see the coparent or lose ANY time with the children and therefore choose to struggle through the parenting chores citing they don’t have any support.

Children benefit from having their pre-separation routine shared between parents. You are still a family, just no longer partners. Your coparenting relationship can be businesslike, outsourcing tasks to each parent to keep the business of a family running efficiently with a view of the children maintaining relationships with both parents to take care of them.

Pre-separation, mum may have taken the kids to school and Dad may have picked them up from after school care. Now mum may be trying to do both and having to leave work earlier to get there in time. Dad may have always taken their son to soccer training Wednesday evening and their daughter to violin lesson on Thursday evening. Now mum is juggling trying to cook dinner, take the son to training, pick him up an hour later after training and do the same again with the daughter at violin the next night. It’s like being short staffed at work whilst someone is on annual leave and you are carrying the extra load, only this time it isn’t temporary, it has become the norm because there is hesitation to share the load post separation.

So why is there hesitation to share the load?

There are many reasons, not wanting to see the ex, so prefer to struggle to do it themselves. Worried the kids may want to spend more time with the other parent rather than you, so fear of losing time with kids. There may be arguments each time you see the ex, so it’s more peaceful to do it alone.

Then we have the other scenario where the coparent who desperately wants more time with the kids but won’t agree to sharing the load unless the kids stay overnight. Some feel they don’t want to help as that is helping the ex, thinking it was their decision to breakup so they can suffer the consequences.

Children and parents alike benefit if routines of care can be similar to pre-separation parenting. It not only helps children maintain relationships with both parents but enables both parents to actively support the children in their day to day lives.

If coparents struggle to communicate or are high conflict, then contactless pickups and drop offs should be arranged so that the coparent picks up directly from school, daycare or sports ground. Dropping the child off onto the driveway of the primary carer and staying in the car whilst watching them go into the house safely keeps a distance between parents.

So, when parents feel exhausted as they have no support, negotiate time with the other parent to help out so they have time with the kids. There are public holidays that the other parent can take the kids out for the day so you can have time off with friends or soak in the bath.

It is a win/win for parents and children alike, to get what they need through the family relationships.

Author Cheryl Duffy, Divorce Coach, AMDRAS Advanced Mediator, Family Dispute Resolution Practitioner and Parenting Coordinator

www.thedivorcecentre.com.au