It seems like Groundhog Day!
You hear yourself saying in your mind “here we go again”.
Every time a certain topic comes up, it is on for young and old. You both are offended by each other’s position. Both feeling disappointed and angry at each other and in the moment, you just don’t like the person standing in front of you. You may love them, but you don’t like them.
You feel they have crossed the line, you see each other differently, and feel they are not the person you fell in love with. How they are describing you in this moment, is so different to how you and others see you. In your mind you see all the good things you do but then your mind scrambles, confused, wondering if they are right but how can others have got it so wrong. The argument can be something you are both passionate about but somehow one of you turns on the other attacking them for seeing it in a different light even though the belief of what the argument is about is a shared value.
Your mind flashes back like deja vu recollecting similar arguments with the same hardcore undertone. You know that triggers have occurred for both of you but know deep down this will always raise its ugly head like a volcano exploding under pressure.
You try to avoid the topic in daily life or listen with compassion until it passes, until the bubbling volcano explodes and erupts all over you. The attack burns like fire and you feel there is no escape. You retaliate and flee to a quiet space, still singeing from the burns. Moments later your retreat is invaded by a tirade of insults trying to tear down your self-worth, consumed by their trauma spewing hatred on you, to the one they love. The love that tries to understand and rides the emotional flogging that breaks down your spirit, time after time.
You explode to defend yourself and wish you weren’t here! Each time you declare that’s it, but deep-down hope it can be resolved. And yet it never is. You both never resolve it, the volcano has calmed, until another day.
Searching in your mind for all the reasons to stay but realise there are differences like mixing oil and water that will never unite you as you feel your armour around your heart harden awaiting the inevitable.
It’s important for both parties to take time to reflect on why you were both so upset. What triggered the argument for them and for you. Like a movie film rewinding the conversation to assess the feelings felt and the words spoken. Try to reality test the situation regarding why you think they said and did what they did that hurt you so much. Is it what they really think of you? How do they treat you normally? Has the words spoken in anger been their truth or coming from a place of fear or pain. Then do the same for yourself. What you said in anger, is it really how you feel about them? Were you triggered by past experiences? Reflect on how you and your partner are normally. Is there external stress factors putting either of you in a pressure cooker waiting for the first disagreement to cause an explosion.
When an issue keeps raising its ugly head you can either seek to slay the demon with a counsellor or psychologist to uncover the underlying trauma or you can simply walk away.
That is the beauty about life, your destiny is in your own hands. You either think the relationship is worth working on or you put your hand on your heart and say you have given it your best shot and close that chapter.
Don’t make your final decision amidst the conflict. Take the time over a few days to think about what you want for your future, then decide when you are calm. It is when you are calm that you can be at peace with your decision.
Author – Cheryl Duffy – Divorce Coach, Mediator & Author