Both parents fear losing their children…. until one does!

Separation conflict can ignite a battle between two parents who fight to keep their children.

A separated parent decides that they aren’t going to enable the other parent to have the children on their own until consent orders are in place. They fear the other parent may withhold the children and not bring them back, so they cling onto the children in fear of losing them. This fear manifests the outcome they are trying to avoid onto the other parent. Awaiting consent orders can take many months or 1-2 years as lawyers are engaged to negotiate on their behalf or awaiting government subsidised services as a parent may not be able to afford private legal or mediation services.

Meanwhile, the children lose time with their other parent who they love very much. Parental conflict can increase as tension, frustration and helplessness, grips the family as they battle for a winner and a loser. The conflict is high as they enter mediation as a pre-action to going to court, which may not reach agreement as parents have not been emotionally supported and conflict de-escalated to create child focus to be able to reach a constructive agreement for the parenting arrangements.

They enter the court system and the significant loss of time with their other parent increases whilst family reports are produced or an independent child lawyer assigned to the matter. A court order may result in the other parent to have supervised visits or reunification therapy to reintroduce them gradually back into the children’s lives. Some parents have paid in excessive of $100K by engaging lawyers at the onset of the separation battling it out to determine a winner through lawyer negotiations concluding with a court application to seek parenting orders. This costly exercise both financially and emotionally could have been avoided if parents focused on the impact on their children rather than the impact on themselves.

Engaging with a Divorce Coach helps parents de-escalate conflict, emotionally prepare and be ready to negotiate constructively in parenting mediation. This enables them to have a far better chance of reaching an agreement on a parenting plan for their family.

A separated parent demands 50/50 shared parenting when it is not in the best interests of the children due to the children being so young as their routine has been majority time with a stay-at-home parent. One or both parents engage lawyers who are very expensive to negotiate on their behalf before concluding the matter will need to go to court. In order for the matter to go to court, parenting mediation is initiated but the parents are so high conflict that they either cannot negotiate constructively or the FDRP determines that the matter is not suitable for mediation and a s60i certificate is provided to initiate court application for a decision to be made in court on parenting arrangements.

The court process can be long and expensive and result in a phased parenting schedule. Court could have been avoided if mediation was initiated at the onset of separation to negotiate a phased parenting plan to increase time spent with the other parent gradually. This would have enabled consistent contact with the child from a parenting plan being agreed in mediation, without losing months going through the court process.

Once again, the focus needs to be on the children’s needs rather than the parents’ needs with both parents working together rather than battling it out via the legal pathway. Children need to maintain a loving relationship with both parents where it is safe to do so and not have to endure separation from a parent. It is the parental relationship that is going through the separation, NOT the children’s relationship with the parents.

Both separated parents work full time and shared care interchangeably pre-separation, but upon separation a battle begins over parenting arrangements. Even though a parent may have looked after children whilst the other parent was away on business or had gone away for a weekend with friends, there can still be a battle on shared parenting arrangements. Each parent would feed, bathe, help with homework, take to extra-curricular activities and put children to bed. Children have been used to having other caregivers look after them at daycare or school. One parent feels that 50/50 shared parenting is not viable whilst the other parent does as it replicates pre-separation parenting. Parents can get positional on what they want and not be in the frame of mind to seek a child focused solution. They may engage lawyers to negotiate on their behalf or preferably initiate mediation to negotiate an outcome. Many parents do reach an agreement, but many don’t and go down the legal pathway.

Children who are used to either parent taking care of them can adapt to two homes as long as their parents create two calm, loving homes with mutual respect for each other and acceptance of current shared parenting arrangement. There is also an opportunity to do phased ‘nesting’ whereby the children stay in the family home and the parents come and go for their parenting time to enable both children and parents alike to get use to the shared parenting within familiar surroundings. Once financial settlement concludes after property mediation and the family home is either sold or one parent retains, the two home shared parenting arrangement can commence.

Children are impacted by conflict more than impacted by living in two homes. 50/50 doesn’t only mean one week on and one week off. A schedule of 3,2,2,3,2,2 can enable children to have shared parenting with the child not being away from each parent for more than 3nights.

It is important to ensure that the needs of the children are considered with reflection on pre-separation parenting, child’s temperament for change, age of the child, children with special needs, logistics of attending local school from each home, attending extra-curricular activities and having calm peaceful homes to live in.         

Conflict may have escalated in some cases through sheer frustration, desperation and helplessness of not seeing their children. Managing these emotions are paramount to reduce conflict to avoid resulting in a violence order being taken out so as to keep parents apart to stop the conflict. The conflict that escalated over time has now been categorised as family violence to de-escalate conflict for the best interests of the whole family, especially the children’s safety and emotional wellbeing. There may not have been safety issues pre-separation, but separation conflict has escalated the conflict to levels deemed too high risk for the family. Seeking help from a Divorce Coach at the onset of separation can help keep these emotions under check to help improve communication, reduce conflict, and support you through the challenges with a plan of action to keep you moving forward through the separation journey.

The children will always remember where they were when they were told their parents were separating AND how their parents handled the separation. Ensure you create a child focused separation instead of a separation focused childhood for your children.

Divorce Coaching can help you emotionally come to terms with the separation, help de-escalate conflict and prepare you for the challenges ahead. This enables you to be confident, calm, child-focused and empowered to develop options you can reality test prior to negotiating in parenting mediation. Keep court as a last resort, enabling you as parents to be empowered to negotiate a workable outcome for your family.

Author Cheryl Duffy -

CDC Certified Divorce Coach^®

DCA Divorce Conflict Coach

DCA Conflicted Coparenting Coach

Accredited NMAS Mediator

Accredited Family Dispute Resolution Practitioner

Parenting Coordinator

Mental Health First Aider

www.thedivorcecentre.com.au