Are you really listening to your coparent?

Separated parents can become so embroiled in conflict that they anticipate their coparent saying no, resulting in them only hearing the rejection without listening for the underlying reason.  When we need to ask for something, change something or make a request we often anticipate a disagreement. We don’t hear or focus on why they are saying no, which can actually reveal the source of a solution.

In Divorce Coaching, this is where we work with clients to stop and reflect. Providing a safe space to vent where they will not be judged, attacked, or their voice not heard, which they have become use to in their coparenting dynamic. Always on guard for the next attack, prevents the capacity to seek solutions as you defend your position. Once you are in a calm setting with a neutral party you can walk through the incident blow by blow being able to say what you want without retribution. You escape the drama and seek clarity to uncover the emotional resistance and fears of each party, this is where there is an opportunity to unpack what was actually said and find the key to creative solutions.

So how does it work? Here are some examples below;

My coparent won’t let the kids come to my sister's wedding. 

Why? 

They have never liked my sister and they don’t want to allow it because they know how bad I want the children to be there. They are doing it out of spite. 

What did they actually say? 

The kids can’t go as it is their weekend and they are not giving up their weekend. 

Reflection - what were the key words? “not giving up their weekend”. So, they don’t want to lose their weekend with the children. What could you do to avoid your coparent losing time with the children? You think about possibly swapping weekends or give them make up time so they get two weekends in a row as you have had.

This may seem so simple, but your initial reaction to the rejection is key on which way this discussion is headed. If you react angrily as you were triggered by them saying no and your immediate thought is a destructive one that they are doing it out of spite to hurt you, will result in a screaming match whereby you lose the opportunity to get what you want. Conversely, listening for the key words and remain calm to propose solutions based on their reason for resistance, will have a far better outcome of negotiation by seeking workable solutions for both parents not just you. 

My coparent won’t let me introduce my new partner to the kids. 

Why? 

They are jealous because I have moved on. 

What did they actually say? 

That they think it is too early to introduce them as it’s only been a month. 

Reflection - what are the key words? “Too early to introduce” So have you asked what timeframe they think either parent should wait until introducing the children to the new partner? What do you think your coparent needs to feel comfortable? You suggest that your coparent wants to be sure the relationship is serious so you propose that once you have been together 3 months might be a good timeframe to introduce them to the children. What if your coparent says no it should be a year? Instead of panicking and reacting to what seems like a lifetime, you could ask calmly if that is the timeframe they are willing to wait when they meet someone? How will that work when you have the children the majority of the time? You may both end up agreeing to compromise on a 6month timeline through reality testing the timeframes for both parties.

My coparent won’t let me take the kids on a holiday interstate. 

Why? 

They said the kids can’t go as they haven’t been away from them for more than a week” 

What did they actually say? 

The kids aren’t used to being away from them for no more than a week. 

Reflection - what are the key words? “No more than a week” 

You wanted to take them for two weeks, so would it be worth taking them interstate for one week? Would your coparent agree to one week interstate? Is it about the kids being so far away or is it the actual duration being so long? Would your coparent feel more comfortable if the next school holidays when you have the kids for two weeks locally at your home, so they are close by if they get distressed and want to go back to coparents? Or if the issue is more about the duration, do you think the concern is about it being the first year after separation and the children may not have had enough time to adjust? So you think if you propose to your coparent this year you both agree to one week interstate holiday as it is the first year after separation but moves to 2 weeks next year? 

Calm communication is key to being able to get what you want, otherwise your coparent may become triggered and shut down with a definite no. So, instead of arguing, walk away and take time out to reflect on what is driving the resistance. Walk through the incident when you feel calm to identify the key words that uncover the true source of resistance whilst simultaneously uncovering the key to a possible solution.

If you need help with coparenting conflict for your key issues, you can book a divorce coaching session here   

Author Cheryl Duffy -

CDC Certified Divorce Coach^®

DCA Divorce Conflict Coach

DCA Conflicted Coparenting Coach

Accredited NMAS Mediator

Accredited Family Dispute Resolution Practitioner

Parenting Coordinator

Mental Health First Aider

www.thedivorcecentre.com.au